| Posted: 12 Aug 2011 05:45 |
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Alfred Penyyworth, the faithful butler of the Wayne family, stopped outside the Monarch Theather at Park Row, and there he dropped off Thomas, Martha and eight year old Bruce Wayne.
They were going to see a new cinematic movie that Bruce had been so very excited for. Bruce's parents had been very sceptic about it, but in the end they agreed to follow their son to the movie.
On their way in to the theather they met several people, discussing the movie the Wayne family were about to see. Words like "scary", "violent" and "sexuall" was heard. Thomas and Martha looked at each other with an even more sceptic look than before, but tried to hide it when young Bruce looked at them and they saw how badly he wanted to see this movie.
They bought their tickets, and just for being Gotham City's "King and Queen", they got, somewhat better seats, they finally bought one big box of popcorn and entered the salon.
In the middle of the movie, Martha noticed how Bruce tried to look like he hadn't seen a ghost, unfortunately, his mother saw that he was afraid. She carefully poked on her husbands shoulder and whisperd in his ear that this movie wasn't so child-friendly.
But Thomas convinced her to have more patience, she tried to, but when the main characther in the movie was horribly mutated in to some sort of bat-looking creature she had had enough. She took her family out to the back alley so she could calm down with a cigarette.
They walked a bit to stretch their legs when suddenly a man approaches the family, he looks poor.
"Can I help you with something?" Thomas Wayne asks the poor man.
"Wallet, jewelery, everything, now!" The man says with a high voice and draws his gun and points it insecure at all family members. Martha hides Bruce behind her back. "Fast!"
"Okay, calm down. You'll get my wallet." Thomas replies and picks up his wallet and reaches out his hand to give it to the man.
"I said jewelery too!" The man shouts and quickly aims at Martha's neckless. Thomas steps infront of her to protect her, the robber get's to insecure and fires a bullet straight in to Thomas' chest.
"Thomas!" Martha screams out and bends over her shot husband. The robber hears police cars and fires a second bullet, in the back of Martha Wayne. She dies instantly, over her dead husband.
The robber runs away sense he could see the police now and leaves Bruce standing in the middle of the alley and the only witness of the murder of Thomas and Martha Wayne.
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Okay guys, so this is just some quick I wrote, I came up with everything as I wrote it, so there might be some gaps and stuffs.
What do you think?
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| Posted: 12 Aug 2011 05:52 |
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This is basically what I mean with Quote:
She dies instantly, over her dead husband.
Picture is from the video game Batman: Arkham Asylum (when Batman has been infected with Scarcrows gas and re-lives his parents murder)
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| Posted: 12 Aug 2011 12:48 |
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Quote:
I came up with everything as I wrote it
That story and all those details have been told repeatedly elsewhere. The only detail in there I haven't seen elsewhere is Martha Wayne smoking, and I'm not fond of that personally.
__________________For all your days be prepared, and meet them ever alike. When you are the anvil, bear - when you are the hammer, strike.
~Edwin Markham
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| Posted: 12 Aug 2011 15:03 |
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I think the part the description of the movie is different. I've always thought they were watching an old Zorro movie.
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| Posted: 12 Aug 2011 17:53 |
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Hammersmith: Of course I didn't made it all up as I wrote it. I took some few things from different stories.
Tim: Yeah, I wanted to make something of my own with the movie they saw. As you might notice, it is basically as in Batman Begins, but it's not opera. So I didn't want to get too close to the original, so I had to make something up, so, why not a movie with a giant bat? (Only thought of this now, it is very similar to Man-Bat)
Not copying the original also adds up to the part when Martha smokes, I just wanted to give it a, I don't know, "grown-up" or, darker feeling to it. I've always imagined my Bat-stories to be grittier, more violent and dark.
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| Posted: 13 Aug 2011 07:35 Last Edited By: Hammersmith |
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Quote:
I think the part the description of the movie is different. I've always thought they were watching an old Zorro movie.
As he mentions, rewatch Batman Begins. They were watching an opera called Mephistopheles with people dressed as bats, which is what freaked Bruce out which is what prompted his dad to have them make a hasty exit.
Watch the scene for yourself:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VP4KLs_1G6I
__________________For all your days be prepared, and meet them ever alike. When you are the anvil, bear - when you are the hammer, strike.
~Edwin Markham
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| Posted: 13 Aug 2011 07:56 |
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Quote:
I came up with everything as I wrote it
Quote:
Of course I didn't made it all up as I wrote it. I took some few things from different stories.
Those statements are both yours. These statements contradict each other. Going over your 'version' one more time, almost 100% is other people's material which means you took just about everything from different stories and claimed it as your own.
As for the elements you added, you 1)have a socialite just deciding to smoke for no reason, when she's never lit a cigarette anywhere else she's ever appeared, and she's married to a doctor no less. It didn't enhance her character or the scene. It's just filler and it doesn't make sense. 2) You have a kid who's terrified of bats, so very excited about seeing a movie with a were-bat that he talked his parents into taking him to see it, instead of the movie about Zorro or the Lone Ranger or the Gray Ghost as we've already seen a dozen other times, or the opera his dad makes a poor choice of dragging him to. This also added nothing and didn't make sense. The rest is not yours, but you seem to want take the credit just for typing it out, which is just plainly wrong.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but those are the facts.
__________________For all your days be prepared, and meet them ever alike. When you are the anvil, bear - when you are the hammer, strike.
~Edwin Markham
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| Posted: 13 Aug 2011 22:31 |
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Okay, you have a point there. And as I said there might be some gaps and stuffs that didn't make sense, like the smoking part. And I just wrote this to get started again and I just wanted your opinions. Next time, I'll actually stay somewhat true to the characters.
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| Posted: 13 Aug 2011 23:22 |
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Quote:
Next time, I'll actually stay somewhat true to the characters.
Great. I look forward to seeing some of your original writing as well, especially with one of my favorite characters.
__________________For all your days be prepared, and meet them ever alike. When you are the anvil, bear - when you are the hammer, strike.
~Edwin Markham
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| Posted: 13 Aug 2011 23:44 |
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Always nice to hear that!
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| Posted: 18 Oct 2011 06:32 |
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Hey,
I'm a comics writer and working on some projects with some artists--be awesome to get in your next issue, who can I contact to send submissions too etc?
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| Posted: 18 Oct 2011 08:32 |
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I think I'll analyze this, not from the narrative, but the structure:
For one, I really hate tense shifts which don't have an explicit reason, and that's what happens whe they leave th theatre. It goes from past to present. I say stick with past. It's not jarring and is the tense people tend to prefer to read.
As well, I think actual dialogue, rather than "X said that..." is preferable. When you say that they said something, rather than just showing them saying it, the reader can be taken out of the story, as it starts to feel more like a cold observation than something with any weight to it. In other words: "Show, don't tell".
I'd sell-check, too, but then I'd be far too annoyed at typing. Seriously, when did computers start forgetting what you type, so you often only get framents of the words you intended?
Last note: I took an approach of critique rather than any praise, because I work better under those circumstances.
__________________All the bad things in life only help you appreciate the good even more.
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Superhero Collectibles
Green Hornet
Supergirl
Thor
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Duo attack. Lolz
